You can now officially stop laughing. The Laugh Judgment, our competition to find the funniest and most offensive religious jokes, in response to the British government’s proposed anti-religious hatred legislation, is finally over.
And we have two winners. Our funniest religious joke is about sectarianism gone mad, while our most offensive is a sick tale of tragedy on a clifftop – as voted for by Ship of Fools readers. Read on for the jokes.
A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy trying to use the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time the pastor walks across the street up to the little fellow and rings the doorbell.
Kneeling down next to the child, the pastor smiles and asks, “And now what, my little man?” To which the boy replies, “Run!
A Sunday school teacher was teaching the Ten Commandments to her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked,”Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
One little boy shouted, “Thou shall not kill.”
Can you tell me why a $10 bill looks so small at the grocery store but so big at church?
A church had a picnic and invited the entire community to come. The Pastor placed a basket full of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, “Take only one apple please – Remember that God is watching.”
On the other end of the table was a plate of cookies where one of the children had placed a sign saying, “Take all the cookies you want — God is watching the apples.”
When I was little, my dad would ask me, “George, do you love the Lord?” I would say, “Yes, I do.” He would tell me “Then stand up and shout Halleluhah!” So I would, and then I would fall out of the roller coaster.
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.
When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, “I’ve heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I’ve met who passed out a sample of it.”
A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the Pastor, “Are you sure about that?”
“Yes,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘We might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.”
Maybe you aren’t exactly sold on the whole religion concept? Our religious jokes will be right up your alley. Tons of hilarious religious jokes and religion humor to browse through. Cut into that bible reading time with some fantastic religious humor from Lots of Jokes!
I recently drove about 2000 miles on various U.S. highways. Along the side of the road there were many shrines marking where people had died in auto accidents. Almost all the shrines included a cross. I only saw a couple with Stars of David.
There’s only one possible conclusion: Jews are better drivers than Christians.
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor’s wife.”
Dear Heavenly Father,
So far, today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped or lost my temper. I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, or self centered. I’m really happy about that so far. But in a few minutes I’m going to be getting out of bed and then I’m going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen
There was a new family that had just moved into town. Their son came to Sunday School but seemed upset. His teacher asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed with the boy’s parents and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.
The boy replied, “Yes he did. My dad said that he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”
This year for our pastor’s birthday, the congregation decided to give him a new suit.
He was so touched by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and, with tears in his eyes, announced, “Today I will be preaching to you in my birthday suit.”
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”
Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a baby sitter.”
An elderly woman died last month and having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, so I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem. They give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song. They give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?
Artie said, ” I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”
Merle said: , “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives.”
Don said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! He’s moving!'”
Over the course of the competition, Ship of Fools readers debated some of the wider issues surrounding religion and humour, too. Such as: why does Roman Catholicism (including the Pope, the confessional, nuns, priests and Mothers Superior) feature so strongly in popular jokes? And: are there some subjects, such as the suffering and death of Jesus, which should never be treated humorously?
At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, “Take only one apple please – God is watching.”
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign on saying, “Take all the cookies you want — God is watching the apples.”
A preacher’s little boy inquired, “Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the platform and bow your head. What are you doing?”
The father explained, “I’m asking the Lord to give me a good sermon.”
The little boy said, “Then why doesn’t he?”
Casey asked her Sunday school teacher a question: “If the people of Israel are Israelites, and the people of Canann are Canannites, are the people of Paris called Parasites?”
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up!”
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'”
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. “How do you know what to say?” he asked.
“Why, God tells me.”
“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”
A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, “PLAY BALL!!!”
A six-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service: “And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen.”
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, “Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there.”
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started singing in a loud voice, “Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you…”
At the beginning of a children’s sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?”
The girl replies almost directly into the pastor’s clip-on mike, “Yes…. and my Mom says it’s a b*tch to iron.”
A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a four-year-old Protestant girl in a children’s pool in the backyard. They splashed each other, got very wet and decided to take their wet clothes off. The little boy looked at the little girl and said, “Golly, I didn’t know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants.”
A mother was teaching her three-year-old the Lord’s prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail, Amen.”
To close each day’s activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World at Lake Buena Vista, Fla., a huge fireworks display lights up the sky.
One night I noticed a small boy about three years old perched on his father’s shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware only of what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over, the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, “Thank you, God.”
After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a six-year-old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week.
“Oh, he’s a very busy man,” the father replied. “He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor…and then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn’t an easy job, you know.”
The boy thought about that, then said, “Well, listening ain’t easy, either!
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.
“He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”
My pastor was about to take offering and asked if anyone would like to sing a special. My friend’s six-year-old daughter raised her hand. Her mother reached out to grab her hand and pull it down but it was too late. The pastor saw it….called out to her and asked her to come forward and share her song.
She stood up straight and grabbed the microphone and proceeded to sing…”I wish they could all be California girls”.
At our Mother/Daughter banquet the pastor’s wife asked for of the daughters to come forward to share what their mother has taught them. She choose my 14-year-old daughter and as I sat their reviewing all the wonderful things I taught her, she said, “My mom taught me to love my body now, because I’m going to hate it when I’m 40.”
A child was watching his mother sift through and delete a long list of junk E-mail on the computer screen.
“This reminds me of the Lord’s Prayer,” the child said.
“What do you mean?” the mother asked.
“You know. That part about ‘deliver us from E-mail.”
We’re presenting them here simply because we think they raise all sorts of interesting questions about heaven and humour, God and gags, faith and freedom of speech, and we want to talk about the issues. And laugh at the ones we find truly funny, of course.