Today i am sharing the Medical Jokes for Medical students and Nursing students. I know some Medical students are moody so Bittusharma.com team present the funny jokes and Doctor Jokes or Medical Humor or Nursing Jokes is related to Patients.
Funny Medical Jokes
One Direction remind me of hospital superbugs. You know there’re quite a few, but nobody can name more than two.
So I went to the dentist. He said, “Say aaah.” I said, “Why?” He said, “My dog’s died.”
Doctor Doctor! Do you think your surname influenced your choice of career?
I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.
I have some good news and some bad news. But don’t worry, I’ll give the good news to your widow.
I went to the doctor for this weird skin thing I’ve got, but apparently everyone’s got that.
My best mate wasn’t sure about me using anaesthetic on him, but he’s finally come round.
conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.
When my daughter was born she had jaundice. There she was – small, round and yellow. So we called her Melanie.
I went to the doctor. I said to him: “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said: “You’ve got cholera.”
Health officials have shut down the village fete. Apparently there was an outbreak of tombola.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I wish I had a twin so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
Don’t talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass.
Unfortunately for agoraphobics the cure is just around the corner.
Next up on Channel 5. A woman has a painful wrist in RSI Miami
I was worried about my health, so I went to see my GP. I said “Is it too late for me as a fat middle aged woman?” He said “No, it’s never too late, just do something a couple of times a week that gets you slightly out of breath.”
So I started smoking again.
Let your kids experience the thrill of being a doctor by not letting them sleep for 36 hours, then playing Operation.
I went to the doctor and he said, “You’ve got hypochondria.” I said, “Not that as well!”
I went to the doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
When I was growing up they used to say, “Robin, drugs can kill you.” Now that I’m 58, my doctor’s going, “Robin, you need drugs to live.” And I realise my doctor is my dealer now… and a lot harder to get hold of.
Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair, and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.
The last show I did had a 10 minute routine about homeopathy. I don’t have any homeopathy jokes in this year’s show because if I dilute my homeopathic material it will become much more powerful.
And if you got that, you’re a nerd.
The hardest thing about being a trainee proctologist is having to work your way up from the bottom.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
Doctor told me I’ve got 2 weeks to live. I said, “Can I have the last week in July and the first week in August?”
Murphy walks into the hospital and Flanagan is lying there covered in bandages. “What happened to you?” He said, “I fell through a plate glass window.” “Lucky you were wearing them bandages!”
Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
The doctor says to this fella, “I’ve got bad news and worse news.” He says, “Oh give me the bad news.” He says, “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” “What’s the worse news?” “I forgot to call you yesterday.”
Medical Jokes also involves funny treatment of any disease. Being in the medical profession requires a good sense of humor! To do our part, we offer this list of great medical jokes. Go on, have a look and a laugh. These jokes are original and best which you could find on the web. Hope you will enjoy these medical jokes. You can e-mail these jokes to your friends. If you have your own medical jokes
Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal. Patient: Well, doctor, please give me pencil and paper. Doctor: To make your will? Patient: No, to make a list of people I want to bite.
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. “I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say,” asked the nurse. “Oops!”
A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear. She says, “Doctor, can you help me? I don’t feel well, and I cannot figure out what’s wrong.” The doctor replies; “Well my dear you are clearly not eating properly!”
“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.” “How long have you had this feeling?” “Ever since I was a kid.”
The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”
“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
After the doctor gives the patient his diagnosis, the patient says; “Can I have a second opinion?
The doctor says; “Sure. Come back tomorrow.”
A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, “You have acute appendicitis.”
The blonde says, “That’s sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help.”
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
AUNT MARY: (horrified) “Good gracious. Harold, what would your mother say if she saw you smoking cigarettes?”
HAROLD (calmly)—“She’d have a fit. They’re her cigarettes.”
Dana: What did the doctor give the sick cowboy?
Dennis: Some cough stirrup?
“I don’t believe any two words in the English language are synonymous.”
“Oh, I don’t know. What’s the matter with ‘raise’ and ‘lift’?”
“There’s a big difference. I ‘raise’ chickens and have a neighbor who has been known to ‘lift’ them.”
Rick: What did the doctor say to the patient who told him that his stomach hurt?
Mary: “Stop your belly-aching!”
Patient: When will my measles improve?
Doctor: I’m not sure – I don’t want to make any rash promises!
Man A—“I said something awful to my wife which offended her pretty bad last week. She has not said a peep to me since.”
Man B—“Would you mind telling me what it was?”
A doctor calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back. The patient replied: So did my arthritis!
“What does your mother say when you tell her those dreadful lies?”
“She says I take that after my father”
A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: “I am willing to let you have the baby half the time.”
“Good!” said he, rubbing his hands. “Splendid!”
“Yes,” she responded, “you may have him nights.”
Q: What did the math book say to the Psychiatrist?
A: I have so many problems!
Q: There was a truck driver going the wrong way down the street while a policeman was watching him. Why didn’t the policeman stop him?
A: Because the truck driver was walking!
Q:What did one penny say to the other?
A: Let’s get together and make some sense!
Q: How do you make the word ONE disappear?
A: Put a G in front of it and it’s GONE.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the prom?
A: He didn’t have anyBODY to go with!
“Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and he died of typhus.” The doctor responds “Don’t worry, it won’t happen to me – if I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.”
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good to everyone is like expecting a lion not to eat you because you are a vegan.
The patient asked his doctor “Is there any way a man can avoid paying alimony doc? These payments are strangling me!” And the doctor answered, “There sure is—he can stay single or stay married.”
A child was brought into the doctor’s office with multiple bug bites. The doctor sits down to start the examination and says “How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?” The child replied “Don’t bite any!”
“Tommy,” said his mom, “Can you please run across the street and see how old Mrs. Williams is this morning?” “Sure mom” Tommy replied. A few minutes later he came home and reported to his mom, “Mrs. Williams says it’s none of your business how old she is.”
The children were in the other room when the Mom heard a crash and what sounded like glass breaking. “Joey, what on earth are you doing in there?” shouted the Mom. To which Joey replied “I’m not doing nuttin Mom, it’s already done…”
A guy walks into work and both of his ears are bandaged up. The boss says “What happened to your ears?” The guy says “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron!” The boss says “Well that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?” The guy says “Well jeez, I had to call the doctor!”
What do you call a dance for people who don’t like each other?
You rarely find a doctor with a sense of humour, but if you look harder you will find that underneath the serious garb is a doctor with a funny bone. Here are some medical jokes that are guaranteed to crack you up